


I Spit in Death's Face

by CynicalGinger



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: F/M, Friendship, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, implied PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 09:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8839828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalGinger/pseuds/CynicalGinger
Summary: After the events of Doomstar Requiem, Abigail is coming to terms with what she has been through and adjusting to her new reality.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is intended to go along with a bigger fic that I'm planning out, but it can stand alone.

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

It was a promise and a chant and the underlying reason why Abigail was uniquely suited to the job.

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

Charles didn't fear death. He told Abigail that when they sat together, shortly after the doctors who had operated on her and saved her had allowed her to receive guests. Nobody but Toki and Charles were allowed in to see her, and that was only because Abigail wanted to know that Toki was still alive. That she hadn't dreamed of their rescue, that what had passed was real and horrific and _over_. Of course Charles had taken the opportunity to ask her to take on his old role. And then, when she was sullen and angry at him, to talk about how this was something greater than life, bigger than mortality and vaster than anything else the world could offer. Standing at the helm of Dethklok, guiding them, it was worth more than everything else life could offer combined.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

Of course Abigail didn't want to listen, didn't want to accept the inevitable conclusion that suffering at the hands of Magnus and the Assasin had changed her irreparably. That she had stared down death and accepted it and spat in its face and now, although she knew she didn't want to die, death held nothing to be afraid of. Death was sweet release from suffering, death was an end to pain and effort. Death  was not welcome, but it was nothing to be scared of.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

Toki had come to see Abigail soon after she was able to receive guests. He had hugged her gently, ever-mindful of her stitches, and they had both cried and held on to each other, because it was too much and there was nobody else in the universe who understood what they had gone through together and nobody else who ever would.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

The next time Toki visited he brought Abigail a string of uncultured pearls. They were rough and they shimmered with blues and pinks and greens and yellows, like trapped gasoline. It was a nice thing to be able to wrap it round her hand and grip it. It wasn't quite painful, but it was a different sensation. Something new after so long.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

                                                   

Toki had told Abigail a lot when they had been trapped together. He spoke about the band, his childhood, his cat, the fact that he might be a god or something inhuman and divine. The fact that he was afraid of loving people because they all left or died or did both. That he had tried to stop loving people and drowning his feelings because it was easier to deal with and because he was scared that if he let the others know that he cared about them then bad things would happen. Abigail listened to all of this, and held Toki in her arms. She had thought they would die there, and so she said to him everything that she had never confessed: that she regretted ever doing anything with Nathan, that she was furious at him still for everything he had done, that despite everything if she could go back and change things she wasn't sure she would do anything differently. That it had seemed worth it, for that moment where Nathan was covered in his own bloody bile and expressing himself. That despite everything, and despite how angry she was she had been happy to see Nathan get his shit together and the glimpse of the person she saw then was someone she was very interested in. That after everything she never wanted to see any of them again but missed being around them like there was a hole in her chest. That nothing compared and nothing was ever so rewarding.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

When Abigail saw Charles again she knew that there was only really one answer. Nobody else could do what they had done. She had broken her own rules and lived, she had dealt with the worst Dethklok could throw at her and lived, and she had endured Magnus. Abigail intended to thrive once again, to build herself up from the ashes into something better. But that didn't mean she was going to say yes straight away. She needed time.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

When everything else was difficult, when Abigail was in pain or woke up screaming, she clutched the pearls until they jabbed into her hand and mouthed her new mantra over and over, the pattern of repetition soothing and grounding her until she could breathe and her sweat started to cool. The chant could bring her back to reality, it could shake her out of most of her states. Sometimes it wasn't enough. Sometimes she just had to cry hysterically and loudly,  grief and hurt grabbing at her as she mourned the person she used to be, as she felt the weight of what had happened become too much. There was a difference between remaining unafraid of death and longing for it, and knowing that she didn't want to die still didn't make it easy to suffer through the results of her trauma.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

Toki refused to leave Abigail while she was recovering. She could hear his bandmates arguing with him outside her room. Nathan's low rumble reminded Abigail of exactly why she was angry and doubled down on her resolve to wait until she felt ready to deal with Dethklok again. She wondered briefly if Toki had told the band that they knew what Dethklok had been doing whilst they were trapped, if the sudden yelling in Norwegian wasn't more to do with that than Toki getting frustrated with a lack of understanding.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

Toki came back to visit Abigail a day later and apologised for the noise and for getting upset. Abigail held his hand and they sat comfortably in silence, until Toki asked her if she meant what she said about loving and hating Nathan. Instead of answering properly, Abigail asked him if he meant what he had said about loving and hating Skwisgaar, and being afraid to love something he could lose. It wasn’t a fair question, but neither was his. Abigail felt there was a tacit understanding for both of them in that moment, that they were both trapped by the weight of their feelings and that they were unlikely to change.

 

**"I fear not my mortality."**

 

The third time Charles visited, Toki was with Abigail, crudely drawing on a sketchbook whilst Abigail listened to music. This time, Abigail smiled at Charles and calmly told him what she knew he already understood.

 

**_"I fear not my mortality."_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I love Abigail, and I hate how rushed the end of Doomstar feels. I'm going to write more comprehensive fic in the future with more than just hints of romantic relationships and things, but this felt like a good starting point to build on. I think Abigail and Toki would naturally be changed by what they went through and I really want to play with that more, as well as looking at how it would change their other potential relationships. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and comments are life blood and very appreciated. X


End file.
